ME AND CELINE.

I have friends that like giving advice, even when I don't ask for it. 'Esther, your are bald, this hairstyle wouldn't be nice on you, Esther you shouldn't wear that gown, it's making your legs look endless, Esther that dress color doesn't suit your skin color, Esther this your boyfriend doesn't fit you. He is too short'. I can go on and on.
The truth is that they don't actually give me advice, they just yab me, and make it sound like advice. Now, I would rather be yabbed, than be given bad advice.
Of all the useless yabbings and advice I have received, one has proven more useless than the rest, In short, it has destroyed my sanity. I am not ashamed to say it. Ok, maybe a little ashamed.
Here is my confession:
Sometime in my puberty years, I was crushing on this guy. To me, he was a god in human body. To my friends, he was an arrogant, not too fine boy (but you know how girls are naa. I can swear with my left eye, that they were all tripping for him).
I was very confused, I liked him a lot. Of course, my friends all liked him and i couldn't ask them for advice. So, I let it go. I just kept dreaming of the day he would notice me, and chyke me. My dreaming ended after listening to CELINE DION and BARBRA STREISAND'S 'Tell him'. I would love to write the lyrics here so you can understand better, but I don't have strength - go and download the song.
While I was thinking of how to makes this hotness of a human being notice me, Celine dion came with her advice:

'Tell him, Tell him that the sun and moon rise in his eyes, reach out to him, and whisper, tender words so soft and smooth, hold him close to feel his heartbeat, love would be the gift you give yourself'.

Let me warn you, Love will not be the gift you give yourself, disgrace will be the gift you give yourself, shame will be the gift you give yourself, when you decide to tell a boy that the sun and moon rises in his eyes.
I can remember that day clearly, I ironed my school uniform till I could hear the material scream for help. I even applied lip gloss (which was an abomination in my school) I really didn't care about the punishment. What was four strokes of cane, compared to the love I had for this boy. I was nervous when they rang the bell for short break, but it was the only time I had to really tell him how I felt. I stalked him till he was alone, and I opened my big mouth, and told him that 'the sun and moon rise in his eyes'. I went on and on about how much I loved him. He just pasted a funny smile on his face. I waited for his reply for days, only for me to read a text message he sent to his friend saying 'That Esther girl with long awkward legs, is really weird.' (Another of my friend that loves giving me 'advice' was the one that hunted down that message and showed it to me.)
That was my first heartbreak. The second time my heart was broken, it was still because of this advice. I guess I had forgotten about my first experience. Six years after, I really liked a boy, and I decided to go all out and tell him how I felt about him...If it turned out well, I wouldn't be writing this article.

Celine Dion, gave me the worst advice ever. This is Nigeria! Our love here is a funny kind of love. A girl doesn't hit on a boy first. It's not right. If you like a boy, you have to hold it with all your strength. Make sure he doesn't notice. If he chykes you, do shakara till you can no longer take it. Girls don't, I repeat, don't tell a boy you like him first. Don't listen to Celine dion, this is Naija, not Oyinbo land. Don't be a victim.