I am an alcoholic.
It felt good to write that. To accept that I feel like dying if I don't drink at least a shot of whiskey in a day. I have tried to stop, to stop looking seductively at the bottles of whiskey lined up on my former reading table. But it's always impossible.
Has your blood ever felt hot. Like it was cooking at boiling point? If your answer is No. Then you probably won't understand how I feel when I tell myself 'No more alcohol today'.
I always want alcohol.
They say, "don't drink, it won't make your problems go away. When you drink sleep and wake up, your problems will still be there staring at you in the face".
I agree.
It used to happen to me, till I started drinking, waking and drinking again. I can't live in a world where I have more problems than I don't. Why should I live fighting everyday for a prize (that's if you can call it that) that I don't know what it looks like.
Why should I live to achieve, to conquer, to work hard, to sweat blood and water only to die?
Why do I have to face my father and his tongue, my mother and her fat pitiful face? Why do I have to face my whole obese family?
Why do I have to face myself - my ugliness, my failures, my fears?
Why do I have to face the rejections, the 'Nos', life's impossibilities?
Does it make any sense that we live to die?
To die and go where?
Where no one is sure off.
You say there is heaven, have you been there?
Have you seen it?
You say I should believe and have faith?
What if it's all a big lie and at the end of the day we go to some empty place with no life or voice or even air?
What if we cease to exist just like that?
It's all a big fat lie - life, death, everything.
I choose not to live or die. I choose to be an alcoholic. To exist in my own little space. Where I don't feel, think or want.
Let my heart keep beating but let the world stop revolving. Let this big fat lie end but let my heart keep beating.
Have I asked for much?
I am an alcoholic and I just justified it.
It felt good to write that. To accept that I feel like dying if I don't drink at least a shot of whiskey in a day. I have tried to stop, to stop looking seductively at the bottles of whiskey lined up on my former reading table. But it's always impossible.
Has your blood ever felt hot. Like it was cooking at boiling point? If your answer is No. Then you probably won't understand how I feel when I tell myself 'No more alcohol today'.
I always want alcohol.
They say, "don't drink, it won't make your problems go away. When you drink sleep and wake up, your problems will still be there staring at you in the face".
I agree.
It used to happen to me, till I started drinking, waking and drinking again. I can't live in a world where I have more problems than I don't. Why should I live fighting everyday for a prize (that's if you can call it that) that I don't know what it looks like.
Why should I live to achieve, to conquer, to work hard, to sweat blood and water only to die?
Why do I have to face my father and his tongue, my mother and her fat pitiful face? Why do I have to face my whole obese family?
Why do I have to face myself - my ugliness, my failures, my fears?
Why do I have to face the rejections, the 'Nos', life's impossibilities?
Does it make any sense that we live to die?
To die and go where?
Where no one is sure off.
You say there is heaven, have you been there?
Have you seen it?
You say I should believe and have faith?
What if it's all a big lie and at the end of the day we go to some empty place with no life or voice or even air?
What if we cease to exist just like that?
It's all a big fat lie - life, death, everything.
I choose not to live or die. I choose to be an alcoholic. To exist in my own little space. Where I don't feel, think or want.
Let my heart keep beating but let the world stop revolving. Let this big fat lie end but let my heart keep beating.
Have I asked for much?
I am an alcoholic and I just justified it.
