CHANGE

I stared at him long and hard. If looks could slap, this slap would have been one loud bombastic slap. He was saying rubbish and he knew. I wanted to tell him to shut up, I wanted to stuff the scarf on my head into his mouth.
'What are you saying' I asked.
'You mean I have been talking to myself all this while'
'You are beating around the bush, hit the hammer on the nail'
'I am saying that I need a break.'
'A break from what? Chinedu you know I hate this nonsense. Tell me once and for all, don't say break like this is one oyinbo movie and we are an oyinbo couple. Say what you want to say'
'I am moving out' he said, his voice lower than before.
I trembled a little. I had rehearsed for this moment. I knew what I was going to say. I took a deep breath and opened my mouth to speak, but the words weren't just coming out. All I could see was the face of a man I had given the best part of my life to. I wanted to tell him to go to hell in a very calm voice, like I had practiced the day before. But I just stood there, speechless.
I collapsed on the bed, I tried to stop the tears but they came out anyway. It wasn't a shock, rather it felt like hot yam was in my mouth and I couldn't spit it out. Twenty five years seemed like yesterday; when he slipped his mothers ring in my finger and asked me to marry him. Twenty five years of marriage and he is speaking to me in coated words, telling me he needs a break like I am his sixteen year old girlfriend. I wiped the tears from my eyes but I couldn't wipe the pain in my heart. The scar Chinedu had imprinted in my heart was so deep and wide, a person's voice could echo in it.
'Odera, you are a strong woman' I said to myself, trying hard not to think of alcohol. I looked at myself in the mirror as i ran my hands through my curves. I was fat, very fat. I held out my bulging belly and my heart broke again. That satan of a girl; skinny idiot. I remember the day I saw her holding hands with my husband in my own damn car, I almost fainted. 'Ugly Skinny bitch' I screamed, pushing my vanity table down. I fell to the ground, this time, I cried hard and loud, sniffing and snorting. What does he want from me, at fifty with three kids and he wants me to compete with a twenty year old girl. 'Damn you Chinedu' I screamed. I heard his door bang, and the reality of what was happening hit me in the face like a bad dream. I ran out of the room, I knelt down in front of him
'Chinedu let's talk this thing out' I said.
'There is nothing to talk about, everyday I spend in this house is killing me. Your coldness, Your I don't care attitude, You can't even forgive me.
'I forgive you' I said, desperately wanting the nightmare to end.
'No, Odera, I know you, I can see it in your eyes, you don't and I don't think you would ever forgive me'
'Chinedu, don't make this about me' I snapped, forgetting I was supposed to be begging.
'You see, you can't even have a proper conversation with me'.
I gave him that stare again, the stare that makes him uncomfortable, the stare that makes him think I can see through all the crap in his head. He walked out. I sat down on the floor, this time, unable to cry. Just motionless.

I know I am fat, even fatter than my friend Nneoma tells me. My hands barely touch the side of my body. The cellulites, the stretch mark, the flabby skin. It didn't used to bother me that I was fat. I was too occupied with work, raising three kids and keeping my family together. But it began to bother me when Chinedu asked for his own room.
'Why would you want to move out of the room' I had asked him, trying to contain my anger.
'I just need the space, do you have to turn everything into a big fight' he replied, as usual, turning it on me, making it look like am the one who is always ready for a fight.
He moved out that morning, and the evening of the same day, I was so paranoid. I knew he was hiding something. I rampaged his room, looking for the hidden abomination. I found nothing till I opened his apple laptop that lay innocently on the table, and clicked on yahoo chat, and saw his conversation with his girlfriend or better put 'Luv'
Chinedu: Hi luv
Kat: Sweethart.
Chinedu: I bought you some perfumes online.
Kat: You are the best hon
Chinedu: You are my luv & I want you 2 always smell nice. This fat woman in my house kills me with her body odor.
Kat: You are funny baby, leave the poor woman alone. Its old age.
It all seemed like a huge joke. I read it three times trying to be opened minded about it. There had to be something wrong, this wasn't my Chinedu, I told myself. I went to his google page and checked all the pages that he viewed for the last three days and he actually bought her perfumes, expensive ones for that matter. It was really my Chinedu, who called me Fat and Smelly. Different thoughts danced in my mind, different emotions came into play; anger, jealousy, self pity, self disgust. I guess anger overcame all of them and I smashed the laptop on the wall. He didn't ask me why I did it. He knew. I didn't confront him about it. I was weak. I gave him the silent treatment, which turned into the cold treatment.
He had left me for a girl not up to half my age, throwing twenty five years of marriage away. When I first saw the chat, I started going to the gym twice a day, before work and after work. I cut down on the burger and ice cream. I went perfume shopping. I even changed my wardrobe, and for the first time in twenty years, I had my hair done (I wear low cut). Hoping that he would see what he saw twenty five years ago. Yet, he didn't notice me. Not even for one minute did he compliment any of my new improvements. Instead, it got worse, the late nights, the ringing of his phone at odd hours, his incessant stupid pinging. Sometimes, I would tell myself that this too would pass, but it didn't. It grew worse and I bolted from the madness. I decided that I was going to let him do what he likes 'If you love someone set him free, if he comes back, you know it is meant to be'. I worked harder than ever in the office. In three months I got a promotion which meant more work.

'Go and give that girl the beating of her life' Nneoma had told me 'If you beat her well, the next time she sees your husband she would run for her dear life.'
Then, I thought she was being ludicrous, beat her for what? She didn't force Chinedu's penis inside her. He was even the one buying perfumes for her. So, beat her for what. Now, I wish I had taken that advice. I wish I had beaten that girl silly.