MY WORST FEARS

Today, fear gripped me like never before. I can't explain the feeling of fear quite well because it feels like so many things; headache, nausea, stomachache, heartache.

I have always dealt with fear by asking myself: What is the worst thing that would happen and what can I do to try and change it. And when I get the answer to these questions, I feel better. Like I can look my fears in the face.

But today, I can't ask myself the worst thing that would happen if what I fear the most happens because I can't bear to think of the answer.

And you know what I am scared of?

So many things.

I am scared of being 30 and married with kids with a job as an English teacher in a Public Secondary School.

I am scared of being 30 and being a high paid career woman with no friend, children, husband or time for myself.

I am scared of being 30 and being a housewife, with a rich husband who sees me as a trophy wife.

I am scared of getting married to a man that will fall out of love with me.

I am scared of getting married to a man that I will fall out of love with.

I am scared of having children that would rebel against me.

I am scared of failing my children.

I am scared of losing someone I love.

I am scared of loving and not being loved back.

I am scared of not achieving anything in my life.

I am scared of dying unknown, without doing my bit for humanity.

I am scared of being ordinary.

I am scared of existing and not living.

I am scared of LIFE.