She was quiet; her whole inside was quiet. Ice had been dropped inside her soul.
She searched his eyes, looking for something, something familiar, but all that stared back at her were eyes filled with hate and spite.
'You are my son' she finally muttered 'My flesh and my blood. In this womb' she said, clutching her belly 'I carried you for nine months and this breasts' She said, clutching her breasts 'Were the ones you suckled on. I don't understand how you would hate me so much'.
She was lying, but that was how she felt about him. She loved him like a mother would love a son.
'Just let me have the money i asked for.' He boomed, his eyes flaring up again.
She felt a tenseness in her bones. She would have felt maddening anger if she wasn't so weak.
'Ikenna leave my house' she said, slowly and steadily.
'You are asking me to leave?'
'Yes' she replied.
'I would never come back here. You can stay in this fucking house with your fucking money. You gonna die a lonely witch.' He yelled, kicking the dinning chair. He walked out, bending in the funny way he usually bent, with his trouser almost near his knees, and a cap sitting on his head.
She squeezed her palms as she watched him leave. They were sweaty and slimy. The bang of the door startled her and she almost fell off her chair. She felt a painful jab in heart. She felt cracked and dry like a lip in harmattan. This suffering was too much for the sin she committed. Had she not asked for forgivenss. Had she not gone for confession. Had she not made an effort to look for her real daughter. Had she not stayed up almost every night, crying after her nightmares, praying for her life to turn around for the better. Praying for a miracle. Wasn't it written in the bible, that when you ask for forgiveness God is everly ready to forgive you. Why was her own different.
Max was the cause of her problem. He was the Eve in her life. The one that pushed her to eat the forbidden fruit. He and his mother called her barren, they said she wasnt woman enough because she couldnt bear a child after 10 years of marriage. If only they had let her be.
Every day of the eight years after her wedding was a film that kept playing in her mind. In that eight years she felt extreme desperation, pain, heart break, disappointment, neglect, rejection, bitterness. She lived like mad woman, jumping from church to church, from dibia to dibia. Seeking and finding ways to conceive. But it all proved abortive. She was an empty bottle. Some people said she was Ogbanje, some said she was cursed, but Adanna knew that she wasn't an Ogbanje, neither was she cursed. This was her destiny; to suffer!
What she felt didn't have a word assigned to it in the dictionary. It was a mixture of all the feeling one would have when one is staring face to face with death; fear, hope, self pity, pain.
Everyday she would pinch herself so she could wake up from the nightmare. Instead her life was the nightmare and it was in her sleep that things came to feel close to reality, a little close to happiness till she betrayed her daughter. Her little innocent baby. Both her reality and her dreams became nightmares.
For the first time in her ten years of marriage, she conceived. She became the happiest woman on earth. When she had given up. When she had cursed God. He sent her a child to wipe off the tears in her eyes. She did everything the doctor told her. The baby was her life. If anything happened to him. She didn't know how she was going to keep on breathing. Yes! She thought it was a him. She believed it was a him. Because that was what her husband wanted.
She died inside when she found out that the baby she was carrying was a girl. How was she sure she would ever conceive again. After all it took her years to conceive this one. It was in her frustration that she met Mrs Dike, the nurse that changed her life from bad to worse, the nurse that exchanged her baby for Nnanna, the son that has brought her so much pain.
The first day she held Nnanna in her arms, she cried and sweated profusely. Max and his mother hovered around her and Nnanna like mosquitoes. And for the first time in so many years, her mother-in-law smiled at her. This was what she had always dreamt of, but she didn't return the smile, or pretend to try, because she knew she was living a lie. She was living in a big bubble that could just get pricked, then her whole life would tumble and fall apart in front of her eyes.
She couldn't breast feed him at first because he was simply not hers, this baby with his forest of dark curly hair wasn't hers. Her real baby was somewhere only God knew. Her baby might be dieing and she was contemplating thrusting her nipples into the mouth of a stranger-baby.
Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, and months turned into years, and Nnanna became her child in her heart. Sometimes for weeks she wouldn't think about her baby girl. It pained her that she didn't get a glimpse of her baby's face, so atleast when she retreats to the comfort of her thoughts during her private times, and she wanted to think about her daughter, there would be a face to match with the thoughts.
Then Max died. That feeling came back again; the desperation. She began to see her daughter in her nightmares, calling her, crying. Insomania kicked in due to fear of the nightmare. Then Nnanna became the reason why she dreaded reality. He became a bone that had lunged itself in her throat. He drank, he smoked, he stole and he terrorised the neighbourhood. Worse still, he hated her with a blinding passion. As if he knew he would always say "You are not my mother".
At first she believed it would pass, that it was just God's way of reminding her of her sins. But it got worse. He began to beat her anytime she reprimanded him. He threatened her friends. Everyone began to stay away from her, till she was completely driven insane with insomnia and loneliness. That was when she began to look for her daughter. She went to the hospital only to find out that Mrs Dike had long resigned, and there was no way they could contact her.
When she got home that night she couldn't cry. She felt numb, like a person who had been inside a drum of ice cold water for long. She knew she would never see her daughter again. Even if she did she would never know and even if she knows it won't make any difference because she didn't know how she would explain to her that she gave her up. She didn't want to imagine what her life would be like if she hadn't given up her daughter. But certainly she knew if she ever had the chance, she wouldn't have done what she did.
She searched his eyes, looking for something, something familiar, but all that stared back at her were eyes filled with hate and spite.
'You are my son' she finally muttered 'My flesh and my blood. In this womb' she said, clutching her belly 'I carried you for nine months and this breasts' She said, clutching her breasts 'Were the ones you suckled on. I don't understand how you would hate me so much'.
She was lying, but that was how she felt about him. She loved him like a mother would love a son.
'Just let me have the money i asked for.' He boomed, his eyes flaring up again.
She felt a tenseness in her bones. She would have felt maddening anger if she wasn't so weak.
'Ikenna leave my house' she said, slowly and steadily.
'You are asking me to leave?'
'Yes' she replied.
'I would never come back here. You can stay in this fucking house with your fucking money. You gonna die a lonely witch.' He yelled, kicking the dinning chair. He walked out, bending in the funny way he usually bent, with his trouser almost near his knees, and a cap sitting on his head.
She squeezed her palms as she watched him leave. They were sweaty and slimy. The bang of the door startled her and she almost fell off her chair. She felt a painful jab in heart. She felt cracked and dry like a lip in harmattan. This suffering was too much for the sin she committed. Had she not asked for forgivenss. Had she not gone for confession. Had she not made an effort to look for her real daughter. Had she not stayed up almost every night, crying after her nightmares, praying for her life to turn around for the better. Praying for a miracle. Wasn't it written in the bible, that when you ask for forgiveness God is everly ready to forgive you. Why was her own different.
Max was the cause of her problem. He was the Eve in her life. The one that pushed her to eat the forbidden fruit. He and his mother called her barren, they said she wasnt woman enough because she couldnt bear a child after 10 years of marriage. If only they had let her be.
Every day of the eight years after her wedding was a film that kept playing in her mind. In that eight years she felt extreme desperation, pain, heart break, disappointment, neglect, rejection, bitterness. She lived like mad woman, jumping from church to church, from dibia to dibia. Seeking and finding ways to conceive. But it all proved abortive. She was an empty bottle. Some people said she was Ogbanje, some said she was cursed, but Adanna knew that she wasn't an Ogbanje, neither was she cursed. This was her destiny; to suffer!
What she felt didn't have a word assigned to it in the dictionary. It was a mixture of all the feeling one would have when one is staring face to face with death; fear, hope, self pity, pain.
Everyday she would pinch herself so she could wake up from the nightmare. Instead her life was the nightmare and it was in her sleep that things came to feel close to reality, a little close to happiness till she betrayed her daughter. Her little innocent baby. Both her reality and her dreams became nightmares.
For the first time in her ten years of marriage, she conceived. She became the happiest woman on earth. When she had given up. When she had cursed God. He sent her a child to wipe off the tears in her eyes. She did everything the doctor told her. The baby was her life. If anything happened to him. She didn't know how she was going to keep on breathing. Yes! She thought it was a him. She believed it was a him. Because that was what her husband wanted.
She died inside when she found out that the baby she was carrying was a girl. How was she sure she would ever conceive again. After all it took her years to conceive this one. It was in her frustration that she met Mrs Dike, the nurse that changed her life from bad to worse, the nurse that exchanged her baby for Nnanna, the son that has brought her so much pain.
The first day she held Nnanna in her arms, she cried and sweated profusely. Max and his mother hovered around her and Nnanna like mosquitoes. And for the first time in so many years, her mother-in-law smiled at her. This was what she had always dreamt of, but she didn't return the smile, or pretend to try, because she knew she was living a lie. She was living in a big bubble that could just get pricked, then her whole life would tumble and fall apart in front of her eyes.
She couldn't breast feed him at first because he was simply not hers, this baby with his forest of dark curly hair wasn't hers. Her real baby was somewhere only God knew. Her baby might be dieing and she was contemplating thrusting her nipples into the mouth of a stranger-baby.
Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, and months turned into years, and Nnanna became her child in her heart. Sometimes for weeks she wouldn't think about her baby girl. It pained her that she didn't get a glimpse of her baby's face, so atleast when she retreats to the comfort of her thoughts during her private times, and she wanted to think about her daughter, there would be a face to match with the thoughts.
Then Max died. That feeling came back again; the desperation. She began to see her daughter in her nightmares, calling her, crying. Insomania kicked in due to fear of the nightmare. Then Nnanna became the reason why she dreaded reality. He became a bone that had lunged itself in her throat. He drank, he smoked, he stole and he terrorised the neighbourhood. Worse still, he hated her with a blinding passion. As if he knew he would always say "You are not my mother".
At first she believed it would pass, that it was just God's way of reminding her of her sins. But it got worse. He began to beat her anytime she reprimanded him. He threatened her friends. Everyone began to stay away from her, till she was completely driven insane with insomnia and loneliness. That was when she began to look for her daughter. She went to the hospital only to find out that Mrs Dike had long resigned, and there was no way they could contact her.
When she got home that night she couldn't cry. She felt numb, like a person who had been inside a drum of ice cold water for long. She knew she would never see her daughter again. Even if she did she would never know and even if she knows it won't make any difference because she didn't know how she would explain to her that she gave her up. She didn't want to imagine what her life would be like if she hadn't given up her daughter. But certainly she knew if she ever had the chance, she wouldn't have done what she did.
Omg! Now I wish this wasn't a short story -_- I don vex.
ReplyDelete